mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
