Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
