im having a threesome with these popsicles
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
