Tell her she can't have a vagina
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
