Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
