btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
