cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
