Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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