Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
