i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
