When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
