you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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