I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
