someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
