Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
