Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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