I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
