My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
