I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
