You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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