i already hear my dad disowning me
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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