Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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