I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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