Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
