he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
