i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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