Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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