I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
