WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
