Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
