She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
