That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
