I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
