someone owes me an orgasm
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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