looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
