My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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