If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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