Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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