Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He uses pillows to masturbate.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
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