Just fell off a train. Bad.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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