I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he fucked my hip out of place.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
