Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
