I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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