so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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