I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
