happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We need to rekindle our bromance
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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