Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize