$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
