He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You pole danced in your parka.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
