I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
