it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
