Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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