I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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