It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
home. puking in laundry basket.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
