Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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