hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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