I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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