i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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