I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I understand Curling. That high.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
