Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
