i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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