At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
