i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
